- Q: What do Peter Welch and program analysis have in common.
A: The halting problem.
Commstime -- 23s
Matrix multiplication -- 700 ms
Transterpreter 18 months
Proof of correctness priceless
Some things in life can't me bought, for everything else there's occam-pi.
Once there was a dutchy who drunk too much whiskey. he stumbled I lost my ability to think in CSP, since the whiskey still occam-pi's me.
Properties of I-Matic
Brilliant in the morning;
Breakdown in the evening;
Long recovery time;
Too late for the group photo;
There was a young fellow from KENT
Who tried to model where blood WENT
He cut himself on the SPOT
And waited for it to clot
But, catastrophe, damn, fault SEGMENT
Occam-pi is no longer multi-threaded -- occam-pi is multi-Freded.
An ode to Process Oriented Limericks
There was a mad prof known as Peter
Who exclaimed `I know Microsoft need her'
When asked to say why.
He said `occam-pi
Our compiler -- and look-- no transputer!'
7.
What a really pity.
Dead parrot jokes are too worn out
so let us joke on living pirates.
whra whra whra whra
Forty two interpretations on concurrency
That made us really scary.
but unfortunately
we recognized a bit of C
An ode to a fringe:
There was a mad prof called Jon Kerridge
Who said I've got a brain haemorrhage
I planned the WOTUG
But feel like a mug
Because all that Welch wants is more beverage.
Occam-pi dot org £8
A research assistant to port RMoX to the PC104 £26,000
Getting pissed out of your skull with Peter at CPA?
PRICELESS
Scene: 20 Million processes were moving rapidly through a TUNA network.
Process # 0: So what language are we programmed in today?
Process # 17,384,473: Beats me, mate! I just offered to SYNC with those guys in the 19,380,000 - 19,380,042 layers, and haven't heard nothing! I'm worried we're in JCSP
Process 3,871432: Nah, we'd all have overflowed memory by now...
Process 19,999,999: Agreed. I think we're in occam-pi --- but I'm worried we're in a transterpreter.
Process #0: That's OK, I heard they just got the Native Code Generator sorted. Process #42 told me he just COMMSTIMED with #43, #44, and #45 in 22 picoseconds!!!
Process # 17,384,473: (again, and always pessimistic) Yeah --- but with our luck they'll have ported us to the .NET Frame..........
(Long Pause)
SEG FAULT, CORE DUMPED
William of Ockham, Albert Einstein, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar.
Bartender: Oh, NO! Not another bloody parallel programming joke.
Q: What is at the end of Fred's NOCC?
A: A KRoC of old.
Q: Will Peter Welch ever commit to the 30-minutes-BARRIER?
A: Only the oracle knows.
Q: What's the difference between CSP / UML and the Napier tower?
A: One's a competing process architecture, the other is a process of competing architectures.
Attempting a multi-way sync with a drunk oracle results in Gerald sleeping in and missing breakfast.
Please disqualify any `dead parrot' kind of jokes (i.e. corny jokes with a few words replaced by `occam', `CSP', etc.)
Q: What made Peter plump?
A: Too much occam pie.
Was it trans-ter-preter or trans-prefer --
was it cpu-id or cup-i-do
(comment by original author found on page: `(buuuh!)')
Audio Joke, good but no script submitted.
Scene: Javasoft Language Design Team, a coffee shop somewhere in Palo Alto (circa 1993)
Jim G.: So that's agreed, then? A thread waits until it gets NOTIFIED....
(Loud rustling off stage --- 3 scarlet coloured ruffians jump into view, scattering the assembled team)
Scarlet Ruffian #1 (screams): NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION....
Scarlet Ruffian #2 (screams): YOU CAN'T JUST WAIT ON A NOTIFY. WE CAN JUST INTERRUPT YOU AT ANY TIME WE CHOOSE (said with menace)
Scarlet Ruffian #1 (screams): NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION....
Jim G. (shocked): Yikes, OK, OK We'll do THAT. A thread waits until it is notified... OR it gets interrupted.
Scarlet Ruffian #3 (screams): NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.... We could NOTIFY ALL the WAITING threads --- at the same time
Jim G. (groans): OK, so that's agreed then, We'll do that! A thread waits until it gets notified OR until it gets interrupted OR someone notifies all the threads
Scarlet Ruffian #2: DON'T forget timeouts! (voice very menacing) Don't forget we can time you out
Jim G.: Can I specify the timeout period?
Scarlet Ruffian #2: YES. But we can choose to wake you up any time AFTER your timeout, EQUAL TO your timeout, OR BEFORE your timeout period!
Scarlet Ruffian #1 (screams): NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Jim G. (sigh): OK, OK, OK, That's agreed then. We'll do that! A thread waits until it gets notified, OR until it gets interrupted, OR someone notifies all threads, OR until its timeout period expires ...., OR doesn't expire!
Scarlet Ruffian #3: HOLD ON! Don't forget we are ALL POWERFUL... We can just let the thread go at any time at all for no damn reason
Jim G. (sigh): OK, OK, That's agreed then. We'll do that! A thread waits until it gets notified, OR until it gets interrupted, OR we notify all threads, OR until its timeout period expires ...., OR doesn't expire OR for no damn reason at all! (sigh)
Scarlet Ruffian #1, #2 & #3 (in chorus): NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Epilogue: And this is the true story of how Java threads came to be.
Q: Why are so many participants typing away at their portables, faster and faster, move and more disturbing for the others, while the day progresses?
A: What else could they do? (Remark from the typer: guess where I'm just typing these Jokes up...)
Q: Why did we not meet in the Triangle for enlightenment?
A: Peter was busy lecturing.
Microsoft Rejoice: Alting over Control and Delete proven Correct.
Thoughts on Mobility:
Mobile channels
Mobile processes
Mobile processors
Mobile conferences -> MCPA also known as PCB (Peter's Conference Bus)
Knock-knock
Who's there?
SKIP
SKIP who?
SKIP
SKIP who?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
SKIP
SKIP who?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
STOP
A Limerick
There once was a process named SKIP
Who's performance started to dip
When along came a PAR
Implemented in JCSP.jar
And SKIP's performance really ZIPS!
Process Oriented Haiku
FDR, occam
Process-Oriented rules:
PRI PAR ALT SKIP STOP
Disqualified for plagiarism!
.NET Haiku
C# is very --'
It cut through Microsoft's net
Nothing runs too long
Q: Why do Pirates like CSP?
A: Because it helps them to Sink-Chronise Ships
Q:Why did nobody get wet from the Rain Virtual Machine lecture?
A: It stopped raining
Q: How many formal methods researchers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: One who hands it to three Scotsmen which reduces it to a previously known joke.
NOCC, NOCC,
Who's there?
C
C who?
C what you get when you write a compiler.
Q: Why are Pirates always ambushing the CPA conference?
A: Because they just ARRRRRRH.
(Note: for some reason, CPA has been meeting around International
Talk Like A Pirate Day (see www.talklikeapirate.com).
Rumours that the site is secretly hosted by transterpreter.org
are wholly unfounded. CPA 2007 takes place in July. If the
date for Talk Like A Pirate Day mysteriously changes, the
rumours may fly back ...)
Multi-Freding, for when 120,000 lines of C just ain't enough.
Q: Why can't the Transterpreter fly?
A: Because it can't smoke its own hash.
Q: Why don't industry use CSP?
A: They don't know who we Arrrrr.
